Saltwater: Its Just Plane, Stupid

Let me start by saying I can't believe I have to put this in black and white, but having already done a fair bit of travel this month and with a lot more in store, one of my greatest pet hates of all time is now really starting to get on my tits, so I think its time for some pointers for the mong population that seems uninitiated to the modern art of jet travel (or anything else for that matter). How to catch a plane.

Specifically when saying a few trips have pushed my patience, for the month of April I mean:

Singapore - Sydney (wedding)
Sydney - Singapore
Singapore - Ho Chi Minh (top spot - post to follow)
Ho Chi Minh - Singapore
Singapore - Sydney (another wedding)
Sydney - Singapore
Singapore - Phuket (holiday)
Phuket - Chiang Mai (leave pass permitting)
Chiang Mai - Singapore

And that should just about do it. And as much as I'd love to offset my carbon credits, in the spirit of Hour of Power the truth is I really do prefer to fly on gas guzzling DC9's, or half full 747's when available. OK so maybe not entirely the case, in fact I try and fly with SQ and Tiger Airways who do like flying mainly fuel efficient 777's and a320's respectively, which respectfully makes me feel a lot better about the whole thing. So to offset the remaining carbon credits I've been trying to eat a lot less curry, which results in a lot less methane (you get the idea). Job done.

Anyhow, back to my main point about how flying really pisses me off sometimes. A few hints, or 'life hacks' as the young folk intern folk at my old work like to call these things these days (be sure to click the link for seven 'secret' Starbucks items, which are somehow already on the menu... genius), before the rest of us had what we like to call good old common sense:

How to Use a Plane

Pre-Passport Control

It should go without saying, but make sure your passport is ready and you don't have to fumble around for it for five minutes once you arrive at the counter
Likewise six months validity on your passport, at least two empty pages is very useful, and if entering Vietnam as we tried to last week, a pre-approval letter also helps (guilty as charged last week)

Pre-Security Clearance

Take anything metallic including your phone, watch, wallet and keys out of your pocket, also take you belt off, and put them in your bag that will go through the x-ray machine
Any liquids smaller than 100ml should have been checked in, pre-consumed, or left in the hotel room
Likewise take your laptop or iPad out of its case before you get to the x-ray belt as it can mean you hold a lot less people up, which may include the person sitting next to you on the plane
All being well, and unless you hold a prosthetic leg or other solid body part, you should get through the scanner without any issues. I wear glasses which rarely raise any alarms. It helps to give the security person on the other side of the scanner a smile, especially if they do decide to start frisking you, along a wink when the reach the nether regions if it comes to that
Once through the x-ray machine and any (hopefully non-required) rubber-gloving, collect your articles off the belt, and re-pack them away from the crowds. This means putting your belt and watch back on, checking you have your wallet and phone and at this opportune moment also check you still have your passport and boarding pass
Also re-pack your laptop and / or iPad, and carry on in an orderly fashion (see point below on pre-packing for boarding)
Common articles easily go missing at security - I once had to check via general announcement at the Air New Zealand Lounge at Christchurch Airport for an iPhone, which the passenger in front of me had over-enthusiastically collected, by honest mistake before making its way to Auckland, whilst I was about to head to Sydney

Post-Customs

All being well, you will have arrived at the airport with sufficient time to check in and get through customs and security screening before last call. If things have gone really well you may even have time to check out the overpriced duty free shops and find something to eat. Pat on the back time
Before planning any shopping or eating however, check the boarding pass again to scope out your departure gate, particularly how far away it might be or any late changes, and factor at least 30 minutes in before the scheduled departure time
Planes can and will leave early to improve metrics if only a couple of passengers are running even slightly late, especially at busy airports if there's an available take-off slot and none of the 'missing' passengers bags are checked in
Check in advance to download useful iPhone and Android Apps, Singapore Airport for example has the very handy iChangi App which allows users to save a flight to 'My Flight' which will send alerts as status changes from gate open, gate closing and final call (or for the unorganised, 'gate closed - better luck next time')

Final Call

You know things are going well when airlines have time to board the plane from back to front. This is done to help the plane leave on time, so play your part by sticking to your check-in row when called. Without naming names, my general observation after years of travelling around Asia is that some nationalities are worse than others when pushing forward to board out of sequence, which can turn the whole thing into a zoo
To do your bit, I also find it useful to pack anything I need for the plane - as in what I'll need when sitting in my seat - into a small plastic bag before boarding commences
This includes any headphones, book, magazine, iPad, landing card and pen, and means when you're on the plane and arrive at your seat row, you throw your 'seat bag' straight onto the seat, carry-on up into the overhead compartment, and can then immediately sit down so people in rows behind can move through. A good way to indicate you're organised is to then start flicking through the in-flight magazine
You then get to sit and watch in bewilderment at the number of people that only seem to remember what they need out of their bag when there are fifty people lined up behind them waiting to get past. If you have blood pressure pills, now is a good time to use them
More small bags fit in into overhead compartments than standard in-flight suitcases. Wide bodied planes are generally OK, but A320's simply do not have room for every passenger to bring a small suitcase. Mongs, this means you. Blocking the aisle for fifteen minutes trying to fit a round peg into a square hole is not ok. Check it in. Ok?

Flying High

Little things matter. Try not to put your seat back too early on or while I'm eating and I'll try really hard not to knee you in the back of your seat for the remainder of the flight
Be respectful to flight attendants, for if anything does go horribly wrong mid flight they are the ones trained to deal with it, and you don't want to be on their bad side on the way down
Once the captain announces the final descent, grab the in-flight sales magazine. Every time a description for perfume, aftershave or whiskey mentions the words 'traveller', 'timeless' or 'sophisticated', count to ten. Before you know it, you'll be on the ground

Post-Landing

If you have any remaining blood sugar pills, down them
Similar to the point above, when you've been on the ground half an hour waiting for the people in business class to sort themselves out and the the curtain is finally opened to let the cattle class escape, nothing infuriates me more than seeing the folk in the first few rows in economy realise then might be a good time to organise themselves, remove their luggage from the overhead compartments and move forward, thus blocking everyone behind them
Then watching the same process repeat itself ad nauseum row after row until row 99A when the very last row on the plane can finally exit
For heavens sake people do what you can in readying yourself to get off the plane while the going is good and while business class are still downing their final glass of Moet Chandon, so once economy class does finally receive the green light we can all proceed down the aisle in lock step and in orderly fashion to the nearest taxi stand

Its not rocket science, and if every mong could contribute just a few of the steps above once a day to every plane trip, countless hours would be saved by the rest of us that just want to get on with our lives outside of a metallic tube environment. So please mongs, before you fly, ask yourself if you should really be leaving home in the first place (organised package tours do count), and if you are be sure to make sure its a team effort. And safe travels, Roger? Captain Over.